


I (don't) need you!

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2016-01-14
Packaged: 2018-05-13 22:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5720011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s going too fast for Sam, all these feelings, they are too much. He can’t stand that he will lose the one he loves again and ends it before anything can happen, but things don’t get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I (don't) need you!

„I don’t need you!“ Sam yells at the other, tears of anger in his eyes.

This is going too fast, too deep, he doesn’t want anything anymore. These feelings are wrong, they will lead to destruction, he knows it, he had it happen so often. The last weeks, after he left hell and Lucifer followed him, they were even worse than anything. Being on the same side was fine for him, but having him always around slowly drove Sam crazy.

“But, you said this was what you wanted.” Lucifer is confused, Sam knew it, but it made nothing easier, even worse.

“I lied, okay?” he yells again, his face slowly turning red. “I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to be anything else! I don’t need you, Lucifer, I never will!” If he doesn’t stop it now it will end in blood.

“I understand.” Lucifer says, his face not showing any emotion now, it’s just a mask, but Sam can feel the cold radiating from him, the cold that was slowly becoming less during the last weeks. “I thought you would be the one I can trust, but it seems I was wrong. I won’t bother you anymore with me presence.”

With these cold words Lucifer leaves Sam’s room, the door slamming shut behind him, this thing over. Sam sinks onto his bed, his tears falling freely now. He lets it out, his heart nothing more than sharp shards of glass, every limb feels numb and cold, it hurts more than anything he ever felt. He knows it’s better this way, better if they just stay partners for a while and then go separate ways again. Sam can’t fight this curse that seems to haunt him, he doesn’t want Lucifer to die or go back to hell, so it’s better if he conceals his feelings, if he stops feeling anything at all. It might hurt Lucifer now, but it will not be half as painful as it would become if he gave into it.

The next weeks are like a constant nightmare for Sam. Day after day blur into each other, soon he doesn’t even know if he eats breakfast or lunch, if he lays down because it is night or because he just feels tired. He doesn’t want to eat anymore, all he wants is sleep. Dean asks him what is wrong, but Sam tells him it’s nothing. Because this isn’t Dean’s problem, it’s his. Lucifer doesn’t even look at Sam anymore, they pass each other in the corridors and it’s like Sam walks through a ghost. It’s so cold, he stops his movements and every time he can feel his heart breaking again.  

At night, or when he thinks it’s night, he lays on his bed and stares at the ceiling and every time he closes his eyes he sees his mother, burning. Then it’s Jessica who dies just the same. And he rips his eyes open before the vision changes again, because if he would see Lucifer like this only once he wouldn’t be able to forget it ever again. Instead he stands up, reads books he knows word by word, zaps through the TV and never finds anything he wants to see and after midnight, long after everyone else in the bunker, he passes out, a bottle on his nightstand and he can finally have peace, if only just for a few hours. No dreams, no visions, only darkness surrounds him and he dives into it, glad that he doesn’t have to feel.

I’m okay. It will get better. It will be over.

Meaningless words, but Sam says them in his head over and over again, like a mantra, even though nothing is okay, nothing gets better and everything is far from over. They have to work together and Sam can’t even function really, whenever Lucifer talks to Dean, he still doesn’t even look at Sam, he feels this needle in his heart, his eyes get teary and he simply wants to run away, but he can’t. Dean needs him, the world needs him, even though he is nothing more than a shadow of himself.

Dean knows Sam is not alright, he blames it on the stress they have and on the fact that he was back in the cage, but Sam knows better. He is broken. After so many years of fighting, after so many losses, so much pain and tears, he is broken. He can’t take it anymore, can’t even fall asleep without drinking so much that he simply blacks out, he is a wreck and he knows it. Telling Lucifer that he doesn’t need him, when the angel is the only one he needs right now, was the last thing to shatter him. And it was his fault.

One night Sam takes Baby and just drives. It’s cold outside, snow falls and it looks like millions of stars in the air. Yes, Sam knows what he is about to do is wrong, but he doesn’t know what to do anymore. A month had passed and the pain got only worse, there weren’t any more tears in him he could cry and nothing he did would change anything. He thought they could be, that they would understand each other, because they were so much alike. But he can’t lose him, not now and not any time. Everyone he loves dies, it happened so often that he can’t take it again, especially not with him.

Sam doesn’t even know how long he drove, but when he stops the car and turns the engine off, only leaving the lights on to see something, he knows this is the place he headed to, without knowing it. He steps out into the snow, his jacket lies on the passenger’s seat, but he doesn’t need it. With heavy steps Sam walks over to the stone the lights show him and kneels down.

“Mom…” he whispers, his eyes wet and his hands clenched to fists. “I’m sorry, mom. I tried to stay strong, I really did, but everything I touch I destroy, I don’t know what to do anymore.”

He lays a hand on the stone that is merely a symbol, his mother isn’t here, she never was and she’ll never be. But this place is the only one he can think of where she might be able to hear him. He knows he won’t see her again, not in heaven at least. Because Sam won’t go to heaven. There is a different spot left for him, one where the pain he feels now won’t matter, where the physical torture will outnumber the aching of his heart and the sadness in it.

“I love you, mom.” Sam cries, tears falling and instantly building a small layer of ice on his mother’s name. “Please forgive me, I never wanted you to die…”

Sam wipes his tears away, dragging himself up and it’s the hardest thing he ever did. He just wants to lay down and cry, but it’s not how he wants to end this. Not next to his mother’s grave, not with her having to watch him, wherever she might be. Instead of staying he walks back to the Impala and drives back to the bunker.

No one knew he was gone, of course not, so Sam lays the keys on the table and takes out the note he wrote in the morning. It’s not much, but there aren’t many words he has to say. As he walks back to his room he slides another note under Lucifer’s door, again not much, but it’s enough. It says “I’m sorry. It’s over now.” He won’t see it until morning, probably the devil is asleep already, and Sam is glad about it. He doesn’t want Lucifer to know before it’s too late.

He closes the door silently, then takes the bottle of pills out of his desk and the bottle of scotch from the shelf. He calculated and is pretty sure it will work, by sunrise his body will be cold and it will be over. Once he thought he’d leave something in this world before he died, but now he knows he will only leave a brother, who is better off without him, and a love behind that will not die because of him. Too much blood is on his hands already, too many lifes taken because of him. This will end tonight.

Sam sits down on the bed and for a while he stares at the pills in his hands, sleeping pills strong enough to knock an elephant out, and definitely enough to send him back into the pit, but suddenly he hesitates. What if he’s gone and things don’t get better? What if his torture in hell will be done by him, or even worse, if he has to see him die over and over again? And what about Dean? Yes, Dean is strong, but he lost as much as he, how would he react to see he decided to end his life like this?

Sam shakes his head. It doesn’t matter, he can’t go on like this, it’s impossible. He takes one of the pills, swallows it down with a gulp of scotch and takes a second one the same way. Two to go for severe liver damage, four more for seizures. If he calculated right six more should let him fall comatose, eight more will end this living hell that he calls his life. But not yet. He puts the bottle away, lays down on the pillow and stares at the wall. Two pills won’t cause damage, he did enough research to know it, but he has to time the next ones right or he’ll just throw everything up, so he waits.

Minutes pass and Sam just wants to sleep, but it will happen soon. Soon he will sleep and not wake up again and this hell will be over. He won’t hurt anyone anymore… it’s ten minutes, then twenty, and finally he can feel an effect, his arms and legs feel heavy, his vision blurs. Now or never, he has to finish this.

Suddenly he can see his door burst open, but it could also be a dream, he doesn’t care. He turns around, reached for the next two pills and the bottle before sitting up. He can barely see anymore, but this is easy. When he opens the bottle he suddenly feels a hand on his, holding him back. Was the open door real? He looks up, angry and confused, and sees blue eyes staring at him.

“Go away.” Sam mumbles and jerks his hand free. “Leave me alone.”

“Sam, what are you doing? What are those?” Lucifer asks, but Sam shakes his head.

“Just go, it’s better like this.” Sam swallows, tear filling his eyes again. Dammit, he didn’t want this to happen, why did he have to come in?

Lucifer pushes Sam’s hand to the side, the hunter unable to hold the pills in it, so they fly over the bed. The bottle is gone without him even noticing and Sam just breaks down, covers his face with his hands and curls up, crying and sobbing. He can’t even do this right, nothing he tries works, just another failure added to the list of things going wrong in his life.

Suddenly two strong arms wrap around him, hold him tight in his pain. His body stiffs at the touch, a touch he denied he needed for so long now that it hurts him so much right now, but not because Lucifer is rough or anything, but because he’s so gentle and caring that it was physically painful too. He can’t speak, but it seems like Lucifer doesn’t expect him to, he simply lies there, holds him, and makes sure he doesn’t do anything stupid again and somehow Sam is thankful for it, even though all he still wants is to close his eyes forever. It’s wrong feeling like this for him, he knows it, but he can’t stop these feelings.

“I won’t let you die, Sam.” Lucifer says at one point, causing the hunter to shed even more tears. He can’t hold them back and when he turns around and buries his face in Lucifer’s shirt he holds him even closer and Sam clings on desperately.

“I can’t do this anymore… you will die and it will be my fault.” He cries, his hands grabbing Lucifer’s shirt.

“Why would this happen?” Lucifer asks and Sam can feel his cold hand, brushing through his hair. He doesn’t want it to feel so good, but it does. It’s such an intimate touch, so caring, and so soothing.

“Everyone I love dies…” Sam whispers before he can stop himself and suddenly his tears stop falling, his eyes widen in shock.

“You… do what?” Lucifer asks, not less surprised than Sam, even though for the hunter this is much worse. He just said that he loves Lucifer, it’s not just something he knows, he just declared it.

“I- I didn’t mean – I mean… it’s not –“ his face is red and he can’t stop stuttering, this is not what he wanted to happen, not at all, but now he said it and there’s no turning back anymore.

Lucifer is silent, too silent for Sam’s liking, but suddenly he is pressed against him once more, the hand on his back holding him with the same desperation he felt before, Lucifer’s hand in his hair holding his head against his chest. He can feel his face against his head and suddenly knows it’s okay, that Lucifer won’t push him away like he did and even though he is scared to death he returns the embrace.

“Sam, it’s okay…” Lucifer murmurs, his voice as soft as his touch. Sam sighs unwillingly content.

“I lied, Lucifer… I don’t want to lose you like Jess… I can’t do this again.”

“I won’t die, Sam.” Lucifer tells him, hand stroking over his head again. “I won’t leave you, I never will.”

Sam presses against him even more at his word, desperately wanting to believe him. Because it’s true what he accidently confessed, he loves him and he can’t stand the thought of being without him, of losing him.

“I need you, Lucifer…” he whispers silently, more to himself than to the other. Suddenly Lucifer kisses his head, a gentle touch that surprises Sam more than anything else, and he looks up, his eyes still teary. Lucifer’s eyes, as blue as the sky, look down at him and he slowly pulls Sam up until their lips meet. Sam melts against Lucifer, his eyes shutting and he feels his heart beating as fast as never before.

Suddenly he is glad that Lucifer found him, glad that he stopped him from doing what he wanted to do, because he would have never felt this if he succeeded. Lucifer’s kiss is so soft and sweet, there is nothing in this world except from him anymore, and Sam wants it to never end. Yes, he loves him – so much.

When Lucifer pulls back he does it slowly and Sam can barely open his eyes to look at him.

“I will always be here for you, Sam.” He promises.

And Sam believes him.


End file.
